I have a bunch of different thoughts going through my head right now, so I don’t know where to begin. I think most importantly I want to say that I am so grateful. I am grateful to have my two children and that they are healthy. I’m grateful for the many family members I have who have been willing to take care of the girls when they’ve been sick, or when I’ve needed time to get things done. I’m thankful to have Will as my husband and as the girls’ father. Because of him I am never alone with the challenges or joys of raising twins.
Since finding out I was having twins, I have been constantly asking questions. The first and most prominent has been why me? That might sound horrible, and I don’t mean for it to. Even though twins are more common these days, they are still a rare occurence, and for each mother of twins, a unique experience. So why have they come to me? I’ve also continually struggled with the subject of working. How do we make enough money for our family while still being present in their lives? Am I supposed to be a stay at home mom? Is this the reason I was given two at once? Is this the message I’m supposed to receive? If so, then why isn’t it financially possible for us to do this without me finding some other way to generate income?
Lately it’s been questions of will I ever. Will I ever have clean bathrooms again? Will I ever be caught up on my grading? Will I ever not be tired when I wake up in the morning? Will I ever be able to work on the girls’ photo albums? Will I ever have a clean desk again? Will I ever have time to file the 2+ years of paperwork that has haphazardly been stuffed in the bottom of my filing cabinet drawers?
The difficult part is that there are very few answers. I can ask, consider, and agonize over these questions, and there are no definite answers for me. Many of these questions are based on the premise of me believing there is some predetermined way that my life is “supposed” to work out. Without knowing whether or not that is true, some of the questions become even more unanswerable.
Despite all of this, I feel like I’m beginning to have some ideas that may be the start of answers to some of these questions. I watched Breaking Dawn Part 2 with Will the day after Thanksgiving. Whether you love or hate the Twilight Saga, I defy anyone to not be touched by the overall message of the importance of family and the love that is shown between the characters. [SPOILER ALERT] Bella and Edward’s daughter, Renesmee, has few lines in the film, but one of them really struck me. They take Renesmee to introduce her to other clans of vampires, and her response isn’t “Why?” or “I don’t want to” but “What if they don’t like me?” This line is ultimately not meant to be that important, but for me it was the first semblance of an answer to my question of why me?
Emotionally I had an incredibly difficult time during middle and high school. I felt my emotions very deeply, so if someone didn’t like me, it impacted me to my very core. One worry I’ve always had is how I would help my children deal with all of the difficulties of adolescence if they were to have an equally as difficult time as I did. “What if they don’t like me?” is a very real, very significant fear for most children.
As I thought about all of this, I was very much comforted by the thought that my children will always have each other. They may not always be in the same class or have the same friends, but they will never have to feel as alone as I felt because one will always have the other to share in her experience. They will be able to ask each other for advice. And they will be able to protect each other when nobody else can. Obviously this is years down the road, and yes, I’m probably thinking about this too much. But when I’ve asked myself “Why did I have twins?” the first thing that’s made any sense is this: so that they will have each other… maybe so that I won’t have to worry so much. And that thought makes every difficult moment seem much more worthwhile.
The other – for lack of a better word – “thing” that has become clear to me as of late is how important it is for me to write. Writing is something I have done on my own ever since I learned how to do it. Writing is how I coped with my difficulties of adolescence, how I processed problems and changes, how I continue to deal with life’s challenges. Now that my free time is severely lacking, writing has become a rare occurence, but is is something that I desperately need in my life, and it’s something that I feel like I’m supposed to do right now.
So without a plan as to how or when to make this happen, my hope is to begin to write more. Whether it’s here or some other venue I figure out, it’s something that I need to do. I thank those of you who read and comment. It’s comforting to know that my thoughts are going somewhere. I typically only “promote” my entries on facebook that have good news or at least cute pictures, so I thank those of you who check and read the “secret” ones. Hopefully I’ll begin posting on here more often.