I am one day away from Christmas break, and I am just worn out. Unfortunately I still have work that needs to be done for tomorrow, but all I want to do is go to bed. I feel like I could sleep for two days straight, and I would STILL be tired and want more sleep.
What isn’t helping is the fact that it *might* snow tonight. Snow is exciting in Western Washington because it doesn’t happen very often, but it’s doubly (triply? more?) exciting when it has the potential to cancel school, creating some free time for me that otherwise doesn’t exist.
It already snowed last night, a bunch, and once the thought entered my head, that we just might get a day off, I couldn’t concentrate. I have a million things to do before we can pull away for our trip to Montana, and zero time to do any of it because I am always so behind in school work that any free time HAS to be devoted to that. Even once we’re on break, I have essays to grade for 4 classes, assignments in all of my classes, and planning that has to get done. Plus I need to reread The Grapes of Wrath for my AP English class. I will literally need to devote 2 hours to school work nearly every night of our 13 day break if I’m going to even enter the possibility of catching up on everything.
So when the possibility of having an entire day suddenly open and available to spend however I choose crept into my brain, I couldn’t stop obsessing about it. But unfortunately it didn’t happen. The snow didn’t stick to the ground and we had a 2 hour late start. My extra two hours got eaten up by the following: an extra 30 minutes to pack the girls’ snow clothes to bring to daycare in case they could play outside in the snow, to drive the girls to their provider, and then to walk the dog since I didn’t want to go to school until I was sure they wouldn’t end up canceling; an extra 15 minutes to get to school because of snow and slow drivers; the remaining time modifying my plans for the day, writing the snow day schedule on the board, making copies, and texting everyone (co-workers, family members) who was asking me if we had school canceled or if we had snow.
Tonight I finally managed to workout again (it had been since Friday), put in laundry, and I’ve checked the weather about 6 times, each time getting different information. I know I should just NOT check because the snow forecasts are notoriously unreliable, and I’ll never know for sure until the moment when I actually get the phone call, which is usually the morning of, RIGHT as I’m about to leave for work anyway. But I can’t help myself. I’m addicted to the idea of MAYBE having some free time (which would turn into time to pack, wrap presents, and if I’m super lucky, clean the house.)
I realized that having children meant giving up time for yourself. I didn’t realize that time included things like vacuuming, cleaning the bathroom, filing, shredding junk mail, putting away laundry. These are all things that I thought I would be able to do while the baby (yes, I assumed we’d have only one for a couple of years) was awake, yet I never seem to be able to do. EVERYTHING I have to do has to be squeezed between 7 p.m. until I can no longer keep my eyes open, and since I ALWAYS have something to get done for school, I NEVER just get to relax and enjoy something I want to do. Yes, working out is a choice I’m making. I steal 30-60 minutes for that 3 or 4 times a week. But if I wasn’t exercising, 1 – I would be more stressed, and 2 – The time would likely get filled up with school or chores or something else I don’t want to do, not with anything fun.
So what do I want right now? I want the psychic knowledge to see that either we have school tomorrow, so I need to stop obsessing and get to work, or that I will get a snow day (or a late start) so I can best plan how to spend this gift of time.
I realize the smart thing to do would be to STOP thinking about it, GET my work done, GO TO BED, and find out in the morning, but it’s almost an addiction. Just the possibility of it out there makes me completely unable to focus.