I have found myself in this exact place so many times, it’s incredibly frustrating. I’ve struggled with how to write about this, but I feel like it’s finally time to at least write SOMETHING. This post is much less about parenting and more about what I’m going through. So if you’re mostly just interested in the kid updates, skip this one.
At some point in 2014, things just started to go badly for me. It’s hard to say what happened first. The girls’ bedtime went from bad to worse. They turned three in April, and they STILL weren’t potty trained. My classes from that school year that had been pretty good, suddenly seemed to lose their minds and became incredibly difficult to manage. I was glad to get through that school year and make it to summer.
Only during summer, things didn’t seem to get better. I trained for a half-marathon that year, the same race I had trained for the year before, only I struggled through training. My times weren’t as good, and running didn’t feel as good. And then I started having trouble with my foot.
That fall, bedtime for the girls was still bad. It was hard to get sleep, and hard to find time to exercise. One of my classes at school was completely crazy, and that made me feel horrible about work. I took two months completely off from running, which made it difficult to exercise consistently. When my foot started feeling better, I started running again, but then my foot would start to hurt again, and I would have to stop. I also got sick for about 4 weeks right before Christmas, and then got sick several more times throughout the beginning of 2015. It just seemed like nothing went smoothly.
Meanwhile, as all of this was happening, my weight gradually began creeping back up. I had been so excited and proud of being able to lose weight after the girls were born, and of being below my pre-pregnancy weight for more than a year. I felt like I finally had the healthy-eating and exercising thing down. Unfortunately, this was totally disrupted by not getting enough sleep, not finding time to exercise, and especially by not being able to run.
Around the time the girls turned 4, things started to get a little better. The girls gave up napping for the most part, which made the weekends kind of tough, but they started going to bed earlier at night. I still ended the school year not exercising and feeling more exhausted than ever, but I got there.
Summer was a blur. It started with the girls being sick, Will leaving two different times to travel for conferences, and me trying to manage everything here without him. We took a two week trip to Montana at the end of July through the beginning of August, and then it was time to get back to work.
I didn’t run for most of the summer. The girls did a mile fun run at the beginning of August, so I ran a tiny bit with them to help them practice. But I never ran more than one mile, and even that was with frequent walking breaks. However, there was no improvement in my foot. After their run, I stopped running completely, and I still didn’t see any improvement in my foot.
At the beginning of the school year, I was finally able to get back to exercising regularly. I would wake up around 4:15 a.m. and alternate between doing Jillian workouts and walking on the treadmill. I was able to do this 6 days a week from when school started through winter break. I didn’t lose any weight during this time, but I was at least maintaining.
For some reason, I haven’t been able to get back to this since winter break. I’ve managed to put together a couple of 6 workout weeks again, but not consistently. I also got sick at least two times since January, and one of them was a cold that hung on for awhile. I also finally FINALLY made an appointment with a podiatrist, and I saw him for the first time in early February. I now have $400 orthotics that insurance does NOT cover, but they are making a difference. I’m very hopeful that I’ll be able to run again. I have another appointment in the beginning of April, and I’m hoping I’ll be able to start again soon. I just feel like I HAVE to do something.
Basically since Christmas, the scale has slowly been creeping up. I’m up 10 pounds from where I was a year ago. My clothes are all tight, I don’t feel good about myself, and I’m just wondering what it’s finally going to take for me to get on track again. My eating isn’t out of control. I avoid sweets for the most part. I still count calories and log every meal. My problem is that without consistent exercise, it’s really hard for me to maintain the weight I want to be at, or even the weight 10 pounds over where I want to be at. I would either have to give up chai tea or walnuts, and as far as food goes, I’m so tired of giving things up. I really limit sweets. I gave up Diet Coke and very rarely have any other kind of soda. I gave up ice cream because I suddenly started having a really weird reaction to it. We are still using the Fresh 20 meal plan and are making really healthy dinners most nights of the week. It would be really hard for me to get more restrictive with my diet at this point.
The hardest thing is feeling like I failed. I was exactly where I wanted to be, and then as soon as the obstacles started getting in the way, I let that set me back. I get so tired of feeling like EVERYTHING is a struggle. And I’m more tired than I can ever remember being. As a parent, age 4 has been much easier than age 3. The girls are starting to do more things on their own. I can get a few minutes to get things done throughout the day. But I’m so tired, and everything feels so hard. Especially when the alarm goes off at 4:00. The last two mornings I’ve heard the alarm, felt absolutely incapable of getting out of bed, and then shut it off.
So this is where I’m at, two days before turning 35. I want to get my weight back on track. I want to be exercising regularly again. And I really, really want to be able to run again. I’m hoping I can find the focus, motivation, and discipline to get back to it. Back in January, I had set a goal to lose 5 pounds before I turned 35. I not only did NOT meet that goal, I will most likely be up a pound or two from then. It just sucks. So I’m really hoping that the rest of the school year can go better for me than January – March has been. I’m going to set another goal, from whatever weight I’m at when I weigh in tomorrow, to lose 5 pounds by the end of the school year. And my goal, again, will be to start exercising six days a week again, because I know that I do the best when I’m consistent. Here’s hoping age 35 is when I get back on track, again.